


feelings are fatal

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Character Study, I can't make tags to save my life, Implied/Referenced Depression, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of religion, Sad boi hours, So you get this, Spoilers, aren't you blessed, i also can't write fluff to save my life, lots of em - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 08:10:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19826053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: keeping my feelings hidden / there is no ease





	feelings are fatal

in the utopian world of good and the damned world of evil, there is a human named kokichi ouma; lost between the two worlds with lethal emotions, masked pain, and selfish intent.

kokichi was made of lies, deception running in his blood. from the second he was born, he knew that he had to defend himself against everyone else if he wanted to survive. so lies kept him safe and defended, and his solitude brought him clarity. he was alone in a world of white noise and prayer.

if there was a God out there like angie said there was, then He must have abandoned kokichi by now. that’s why he has to create his own fate, his own end, and then dissolve into hellfire. he can rely on nothing but himself, even if that means he distrusts the gods who brought him into the world and formed him into a key that never seemed to fit in a lock.

why was he even thinking about gods? he never cared about them before, but as he sits in a bathroom with tears in his eyes and a fucked up to-do list in his hand, he finds that he cares about  _ everything _ .

blinking away the moisture in his eyes, he stares at the paper. he practically wrote out his will in a shitty red pen with the exact details of how he is going to die. he’s seen morbid shit-- he’s seen  _ nine  _ dead bodies-- but preparing his death is something else entirely. he’s a manipulative person, he knows that, but some part of him feels sick to see how he plans to use the others to accomplish his plan.

he shouldn’t feel bad, though. it’s just life. kaito was dead before it all began, wilting away from a disease like an afflicted rose. his petals are soft, but he is a thorn in kokichi’s side, and vise versa. he would meet his end because of kokichi, but it was all for a good cause. the two of them would end the killing game.

so, if it was for such a good cause, why is kokichi crying?

it had to be for purely selfish reasons, because he was kokichi ouma. he wasn’t weeping for kaito. he didn’t mourn the pain of maki, tsumugi, himiko, kiibo, or shuichi. maybe he was crying for himself—selfish, like he expected. maybe he was grieving who he could have become.

kokichi wasn’t anything beyond a slave to his own words. he’s gotten five hours of sleep in the last week, and what remained of his mental stability was gone as he scanned his plans over and forced himself to overthink if the air he was breathing was even real. he slowly fell into madness as he analyzed why each person died— what drove every survivor to still view life as a decision amidst the heavy air of death. he’d never call himself depressed, but having a mental breakdown every day of the week probably wasn’t good.

that was a lie. he was definitely depressed.

he buries his head in his knees, attempting to stifle the ugly gasping noises that escaped his lips. he sobs and sobs and he doesn’t know why. he feels empty and heavy at the same time, weighed down by sin and guilt. his hands were shaking and his extremities felt numb. the world turned to ash and dust, and he could taste fire on his tongue. he was hellspawn.

would the others find out about his plan? kokichi had no doubt that it would fly over himiko, tsumugi, and kiibo’s head. maki is smart, but her intellect is tainted with emotions. shuichi saihara has a desire for truth and never misses a single detail. 

(maybe that’s why it hurts when shuichi never notices the pain kokichi goes through. out of everyone, he thought that maybe the detective would catch on. but maybe the problem was that the detective never tried to check in the first place.)

(kokichi can’t blame him.)

would shuichi find out? if so, that would completely destroy his plans, but who is kokichi to assume that he would execute it perfectly? something will fail. 

he will fail.

he didn’t want to fail anymore.

his head feels like it’s filled in water, and he can almost hear the sea as if his ears are a conch shell emitting prophecies. the phantom stench of blood clouds his senses as he reflects on every person who died. 

kokichi didn’t care about the deaths. of course he didn’t. he brought two people to their deaths directly, but didn’t  _ all  _ of them die by kokichi’s hand, one way or another? he doesn’t care, he doesn’t care,  _ he doesn’t care. _

“i don’t care,” he chokes out, high pitched and too innocent to actually be him. he’s made a victim out of himself, but he won’t die a martyr. he’ll die hated and alone, and he doesn’t deserve anything more than that. he took two lives away, nobody would weep for his own. 

“i don’t care.”

it’s a lie. it was always a lie. he cares too much and he doesn’t want to say that because those who care always die. 

_ but he’s going to die anyway. _

mustering up courage that he didn’t want to fake, kokichi lets out one last tear before wiping his eyes and standing up. his entire body trembles and his hair is a complete mess. he looks at himself in a mirror, trying to discern who he was staring at. a martyr? an anti-hero? a villain? someone nobody would miss?

“i don’t care,” he whispers, forcing his eyes to be apathetic and his smile to look genuine, chaotic, and exactly like the mastermind of a killing game.

and then he picks up his will and dignity off of the floor, and continues the plan.

**Author's Note:**

> hi
> 
> uhm
> 
> this is like kinda bad and it's also been like a week since my last fic. don't expect consistent uploads honestly.
> 
> i had like a bunch of fluffy fic ideas and aus but you get this with shitty characterization lmao so yay for that.
> 
> leave comments. requests, critiques, or just what you like.
> 
> have a nice day everyone.


End file.
